When Chris Voss, the former FBI chief hostage negotiator, visited us at METALPALOOZA, I mentioned to him that I felt all his techniques for negotiating, extracting information, building rapport, influencing outcomes – and releasing hostages – also work for handling relationships at home.
He agreed.
I find Voss's knowledge and techniques indispensable for conscious, strategic persuasion – joining my private pantheon of David Deida, Dr. Brene Brown, Dr. Brad Blanton, and Dr. Susan Campbell.
So I adapted 20 of Voss's key techniques with examples of each in dialogue form – for your use and pleasure with your wife, your girlfriend, your dates, or all three, if you have permission.
Happy negotiating!
1. Mirroring
Technique: Repeat the last few words she said to show you’re listening, and to encourage her to elaborate.
Example
Partner: "I’m feeling really overwhelmed with work lately."
You: "Overwhelmed with work?"
Partner: "Yeah, it’s like there’s no time left for us, and it stresses me out."
2. Labeling
Technique: Identify and name her emotions to show empathy and understanding.
Example
Partner: "I don’t think you understand how much this means to me."
You: "It sounds like this is really important to you."
Partner: "It is! It feels so good that you get me and you’re on the same page."
3. Tactical Empathy
Technique: Show genuine interest in her feelings and perspective.
Example
You: "It seems like you’re feeling neglected because I’ve been so focused on other things."
Partner: "Yes, I know you’re busy, but I miss spending time together."
4. The Accusation Audit
Technique: Address any negative assumptions she might have to clear the air.
Example
You: "You probably think I haven’t been prioritizing our relationship lately."
Partner: "I was actually feeling that way, but I appreciate you saying it."
5. “No” Oriented Questions
Technique: Ask questions that allow her to say “No,” to give her a sense of control. Saying “yes” often makes people feel manipulated or led down a path.
Example
You: "Would it be a bad idea to spend more time together this weekend?"
Partner: "No, actually, I’d love that!"
6. The “What” and “How” Questions
Technique: Use open-ended questions to gather information and encourage her to share more.
Example
You: "What would make you feel more supported right now?"
Partner: "I think just having you around a bit more and checking in would mean a lot."
7. The Calibrated “How” Question
Technique: Ask “How” to gently get her to think of solutions that benefit both of you.
Example
You: "How can I find a way to balance work and make enough time for us?"
Partner: "Maybe we could set aside specific times that are just for us."
8. Dynamic Silence
Technique: Use silence to give her space to share more.
Example
Partner: "I just feel like things have changed between us."
You: [Stay silent and nod]
Partner: "Like, we used to go on dates more often, and I miss that."
9. The "That’s Right" Moment
Technique: Lead the conversation to where she affirms your understanding of her feelings.
Example
You: "So, it sounds like quality time is really important for you to feel close."
Partner: "That’s right!"
10. Anchoring with an Extreme Offer
Technique: Start with an extreme suggestion to shift expectations.
Example
You: "What if we went on a two-week vacation just for us?"
Partner: "Two weeks might be hard, but a weekend getaway sounds perfect."
11. “Fair” Warning
Technique: Use the word “fair” to validate her perspective and set a cooperative tone.
Example
You: "I want to make sure we’re being fair to both of us with how we spend time together."
Partner: "I appreciate that. Let’s find a good balance."
12. The Late-Night FM DJ Voice
Technique: Use a calm, low tone during tense moments to de-escalate and show reassurance.
Example
You (in a calm tone): "I understand you’re feeling frustrated. Let’s take a moment to talk this through."
Partner: "Thank you. I just need to know you’re listening."
13. Loss Aversion
Technique: Highlight what might be lost to motivate positive actions in the relationship.
Example
You: "If we keep letting work take over, we could lose that closeness we’ve built."
Partner: "You’re right. Let’s make a plan to prioritize us."
14. Ben Franklin Technique
Technique: List pros and cons of an issue together to come to a decision logically.
Example
You: "Let’s think about both sides here. Spending more time together means less time for work, but it also means we stay connected."
Partner: "True. Let’s set boundaries on work time."
15. Multiple Equivalent Offers (MEOS)
Technique: Present several options to allow her to choose what works best.
Example
You: "Would you prefer a date night in, a night out, or a day trip this weekend?"
Partner: "A day trip sounds fun! Let’s go with that."
16. The Relentless "How"
Technique: Keep asking "how" to encourage problem-solving. 'How' and 'what' questions subtly put a sense of power in the respondent's hands.
Example
You: "How can we make more time for each other, given our schedules?"
Partner: "Maybe we could schedule short catch-ups during the week."
17. The Black Swan Theory
Technique: Discover hidden factors that could shift the relationship dynamic.
Example
You: "Is there anything else going on that’s affecting how you feel about us?"
Partner: "Actually, I’m stressed because of my family situation, and it’s spilling over."
18. Bargaining with Empathy
Technique: Show understanding of her position before proposing a compromise.
Example
You: "I know your schedule is tight and you’re feeling stressed. I’d like to help make things easier."
Partner: "Thank you. I’d love your support with some of these tasks."
19. Avoiding Compromise (No Splitting the Difference)
Technique: Don’t settle in the middle if it doesn’t meet both of your needs. Aim for an optimal outcome.
Example
Partner: "Let’s split our time between my friends and yours every weekend."
You: "I think we’d both feel happier if we planned alternating weekends so we get dedicated time with each group."
20. Mirroring “I’m Not Sure”
Technique: Use “I’m not sure” to create curiosity or invite a solution.
Example
Partner: "Let’s just go out to eat again tonight."
You: "I’m not sure eating out tonight feels special enough. What if we did something different?"
Partner: "Maybe we could cook together at home and make it more intimate!"
Good luck, and happy hostage negotiating… I mean, communication, with your beloved.
To hear more from Chris Voss, check out his appearance at METAL Saturday back in 2022 here.
Written by Adam Gilad
Trending Now
The World Economy is a Casino, and the Smartest Players are the House: In finance, the concept of risk has been reshaped into a game where those who control the infrastructure have the ultimate edge. The house isn’t just a bystander; it’s a meticulous architect, creating rules, managing odds, and ensuring that the safety net is always there when things go wrong. And more often than not, that safety net is courtesy of government bailouts, or central banks pulling their levers at the right moment. (Ken Rutkowski)
Why Is Warren Buffett Selling So Much Stock?: Why is Warren Buffett divesting from Apple, Bank of America, and numerous other major holdings of Berkshire Hathaway? Could the Oracle of Omaha be signaling a market peak? Indeed, Berkshire has ceased its own stock buybacks in the latest quarter. These actions are causing considerable unease among some observers. It's natural to seek comfort in understanding why one of history's most renowned investors is offloading substantial shares in some of his preferred companies. (Kiplinger)
Anthropic, Palantir, Amazon Team Up on Defense AI: Palantir and Anthropic are collaborating with Amazon Web Services to provide U.S. intelligence and defense agencies with access to Anthropic's Claude models. This is significant because as the U.S. government rapidly integrates AI into various sectors, companies proficient in navigating the public sector's intricate contracting processes gain an advantage. (Axios)
